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coxie0520

just because i'm hurting, doesn't mean i'm hurt

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coxie0520
on 05-25-2010 at 01:05 AM (62 Views)
I'm fucked up, but then again, when am I not?

I think I have a substance abuse problem; the incident with the klonopines really opened up my eyes. I'm scared, lonely, insecure, pressured, and just feel as though I will explode at any moment.

MY mother is a crazy bitch, and my father is just stupid; They are both recovering alcoholics and have neever questioned the amount of beer I can drink in a week (probably 2 cases); they also choose to ignore the marijuana sitting at the bottom of my purse. Jan is nutso and thinks any emotional or psychological problem can be cured by a pill (you would think that after being in AA for 14 years, she would realize that taking a pill, whether its a narcotic or not, shouldn't be your only means of healing)

No, All I get told is how good of a person I am, how loving I am, and how wonderful I am (when jan's in a good mood that is), and I just want to cry my eyes out; i'm fucking miserable; i drink every god damn night. every night. im having probelms sleeping, eating, because of the adderalll and that started a vicious cycle of ambien/alcohol to help me sleep. i'm lonely. i want to start dating again. i want to be able to play my guitar in piece without jan and tony commmenting on it.

im sick of taking care of jan: making sure she eats, making sure she clocks out when work is suposed to be over, always asking her what she's doing so she doesn't get manic over crazy, stupid shit.

and ive been wanting to cut; it's taking all of my self control not to, but dear god the temptation is there.

im rambling im just very very very confused right now
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  1. Siren - 05-25-2010 11:10 AM
    Siren's Avatar
    Coxie, I think we all have some idea of how you feel. We all go through times where we feel like that. Believe me, I know sometimes it's more overwhelming than others.. when it seems like everything is just piling on higher and you can never see your way out of it.

    Most of us have our choice substances, and there's nothing wrong with that. But, if you absolutely need them to get through the day, you might want to take a hard look at what they are actually doing for you. It's easy to lean into it and use it as a crutch, and that's perfectly fine sometimes, but if you actually think it's harming you and your relationships, you might start thinking about what you need to do in order to take a step back.

    You are not only a good hearted person, but a very strong, smart and capable person. You have more strength to pull yourself out of your situation than you know.

    And you know you have me and a couple dozen other people to talk to here whenever you need us.
  2. Beatrice828 - 05-25-2010 05:03 PM
    Beatrice828's Avatar
    My sweet coxie - 1) - what siren said. I'm here for you *anytime* you need me - in whatever way you need me. 2) - maybe a few al-anon/aa meetings would be helpful for you? I went for a while - they are good people. (I find that when I feel most alone, I start isolating myself - they at least gave a non judgmental place to talk things out) 3) you *need* to gtf out of that house. I wish you'd think about moving out here if you can't swing your own place there. As much as jan and tony love you - they (and your brother) encourge poor choices because they share the same disfunctions. And - while I'm still a drinker myself - as well you know (and I'm guessing we'd be a pretty equal match) - I'm serious about making slow changes in my life that stick rather than the fast manic plans that I always make - then drop when I can't accomplish them perfectly. - just think about it - it would help me out just as much as it would you.